Dear Billy

You are irresistible. I have a thing for cute guys, for sure but that’s not all.  There’s this undeniable attraction to you.  I can feel it in my heart.  Oh think it comes from my deep desire to associate with the cool gang, and for some reason my brain has placed you there.

I can’t recall seeing you in school, but you sure look familiar.  I have no details about your character, nothing and that is frustrating. I thrive on information.  My fantasies, imaginations and crushes ride on the waves of the imaginative passions. My attempts to stalk your online foot print does not reveal enough to keep fueling these feelings that I have already usurped. 

But damn you are taking me in, and I like it.  Sitting next to me in the conference, I smile as a courtesy.  As usual LSK meetings are boring.  I try hard to concentrate, it’s failing.  I wish we were in church, with one of those pastors who keep asking we say something to our neighbour. I would turn and get an opportunity to look into your eyes. Maybe they could tell me something that would make these suffocating feelings drift away and I could have me back.  Or maybe they would confirm the attraction is mutual. 

I have a short concentration span.  I stand and leave for the washrooms. I need to get perspective.  The hallways are crispy chrome. They look so serene, nothing compared to the turmoil inside of my heart but everything like my mind.  I am not having a mental struggle, no.  This is a matter of the heart. 

My heart is stubborn.  My mind is sharp,  it will not let it self get carried away by floating scenarios.  It understands that I  am just reading between the lines.  You have not make a move yet.  Not a conspicuous one for that matter.  It understands that my imagination can go to overdrive because my primary method of seeing life is intuitive.  I could be wrong but you did start being kind at some point.  See, the first time I called you you were distant,  removed and at arm’s length. Our calls were transnational.  Until that day I came into your exquisite office to  pick up those documents.

That’s when this magic happened. Reflecting back, I was just going through the motions of the boring parts of my job. You seemed busy, no you were actually busy. So I felt self-conscious when you made me stand there for sometime waiting for you to finish with the client I had found you attending to.  You had already given me my stuff.. I didn’t get why I you made me wait.

In retrospect I felt conscious because I didn’t expect you to be easy.  I was anxious.  I do when I’m not in control of a situation. I also did notice you looked good.  That didn’t help my self-consciousness.  I wish I had dressed to match you.  I wish I had put my best foot forward. But, the day I am running errands, is the day I dress down completely.

I don’t recall whether I online stalked you that day. I buried that attraction in my subconscious, as I learnt to.  I didn’t think much of it.  Until I called you much later for more assistance with a transaction and realized this time our conversation was not transnational.  You were finally warming up.  That took me by surprise because I had never seen imagined things would ever turn around.  My prejudices against your type of person had not let this moment ever seem possible.  Especially since you had played well to my prejudices of an obnoxious,  snob from the start.  You took a step further and did some acts of kindness that I never asked for.  That’s when I knew….. Scratch that.. That’s when I assumed the mutual attraction. 

Or was it just in my mind?  But it’s my heart that’s excited and confused.  I have this inner knowing that there’s something there.  Is it a coincidence that you’ve started liking my social media posts?  Is it a coincidence that conversations after that have been friendlier?  Is it a coincidence that I find myself going through your social media sites over and over again? Is it imaginary or is something really happening to us? I’d it Mutual.

The trouble is my brain is not even amused at this. It doesn’t get why I am even in a crisis.  There’s nothing much that has happened to validate the obsession.  Nothing.  But my heart disagrees this inner knowing is too strong. 

Its already a spiritual warfare experience.  That’s how I confirm its not just imaginary.  When things move into the spiritual realm, when the Holy Spirit makes a point of making commentaries and counselling me over an issue, that’s as real as it gets.  And that’s why this is so hard. 

Coz I can tell you don’t have much relationship with the Holy Spirit or with Jesus.  I can tell you are a heart breaker, one that’s not yet ready to shun the thrill for commitment, one that’s still trying to gerrit.

I already know that whatever this is, it’s not what I have been waiting for my whole life.  It’s not the promise.  But I wouldn’t mind taking a detour just to satisfy my curiosity… Do those abs look as fine as I had imagined?  Does the hard on press as hard as I imagine… Are you as driven and passionate as I want you to?

I’m not going back to the seat in that boring conference.  The Mombasa heat and poor ventilation system is making the experience possible.  Or is it just me who’s hot?  Why does the law society always do this?  Cutting corners in booking for venues so we are always jammed in substandard facilities?

I see you walking from the opposite direction, my heart skips.  What would you be doing on the third floor, these are where the standard rooms are…. We say laugh at our in ability to sit down through the conference.  My excuse is I was headed to the ball room,  I hear they have some wonderful murals.  I’m a sucker of great pieces of arts of work.

We are just standing right at your hotel room door, you make me understand.  You need to nap.  Apparently last night was turnt up catching up with friends and the travel too.  It’s wearing you down. You need to be in a better frame of mind in the evening, the topic of discussion is of particular interest to you. 

I make for the exit three doors from yours, I wish you a nice nap, as you fumble with the key…. You don’t want to end this conversation.  I’m in a rush to, I don’t live how paced my breathing is getting… You say something, I didn’t get you, I turn around to catch it, the door is open, you catch me instead. 

Passion burning in our eyes, we press against each other on their hall way.  The hard is just as I imagined.  We stare at each other’s  eyes… I guess we are weighing in the weight of our next move. The door is slightly opening, the coastal breeze making it creak slowly as it opens. 

I can feel your mint breathe breathing down on me.  I like our height ratio.  We fit perfectly.  I look up to your face, noticing how chiselled your jaws are.  I want to pull away, but I have imagined of us in this position so many times I just want to take it in. 

You make for the kiss, you hesitate, guess it’s not just me…… struggle with indecisiveness.  We hold this position for a second longer but it seems like a moment. We are enjoying the moment. 

You suggest I come in, we don’t want to get caught in this compromising situation, it makes sense, we don’t need to be on the grapevine yet we never tasted the grapes ourselves. 

I hesitate; sure I want to go in.  Explore everything I had imagined about this kind of moment. Confirm my assumptions, prove my hypothesis. It looked promising.  But I can’t.

See Billy, I have a story that’s not so good. I owe this guy my fidelity. He has been faithful the last four years when my life turned upside down.  Because of rush decisions like the one I am on the verge of making, I was ruined.  But he has been working on me, painstakingly putting me back together. He has taught me my worth, which lack of previously was making me seek thrills such as this. I struggled with insignificance, which is why my heart leaped for joy when you took note of me.  Coz I never thought I was worthy enough to show up on your radar. In as much as I am deriving validation by this moment we are sharing now, I know it’s the counterfeited kind of invalidation.  Coz I already am.  I don’t need this moment to validate that I am irresistibly attractive and desirable but still here I am. 

Breathing hard, boner pressed but not crushed.  If I  look down for just a moment,  remember those moments lying on the mattress on the red oxide floor with my daughter, the nights spent crying over a broken,  emotionally abused heart,  all because I  did not head that quite voice telling me to keep of that man. Just because at that moment I couldn’t see what was wrong with him, and because I couldn’t see, I proceed with reckless abandon.  If I could just for a moment,   consider the rebuilding that lays ahead of me,  that I could not have needed had I listened and done His will. 

It’s hard coz He has already said no to this.  So going in through the creaking door will be pure rebellion. And don’t get it twisted, I am not afraid of what He will say or do to me when it’s all done.  (It will be done and over -I already have an exit strategy even before we pressed).  I’m not afraid because I have failed and disappointed Him several times before and He always receives me back with warm wide arms. Ready to walk with me again from the depths where I have fallen along the path and journey of sanctification.  I have stopped deceiving myself that I can just take an exit from the sanctification highway and always join it later on no fault no foul. I learnt that though I rejoin the highway at whatever point, it will always come with a cost. A time cost. I could have been further ahead on the journey to wholeness and sanctification. The miles I could have covered in the freeway, I will still do, but I am still behind and that’s time I can’t recover. 

I know His Grace is sufficient, but I also feel like my relationship with Him in this area of sexual passion and impropriety needs to move from a grace relationship to a grit relationship.  Grace is when God keeps me and enables me to overcome temptation or to recover from the effects of temptations  I gave in too.  Grit is refusing to keep dancing to the same tune, grit is recognizing that I should overcome this by now,  grit is keeping myself from compromising situations because previous pursuits of curiosity have already proved there’s nothing new there .

Grit is me not walking through your hotel room door.  Regardless of how stimulated I am, regardless of how intense my curiosity is, regardless of how good I can tell this would be.  Grit is the struggle to turn the thrill. Grit is restraining yourself from jumping onto this thrill train, grit is pushing you away despite being sweetly intoxicated by your cologne. Grit is walking away without needing to apologize. Grit is running from temptation. 

Grit is holding out for the real deal.  Though it tarries is shall surely come to pass. Though it feels like I just missed out on something exciting, grit keeps me from Orchestrating a do over.  Grit keeps me from scrolling down your timeline.  Grit is avoiding you.  Until the raw passions are put under a harness of self-control. Grit is proceeding back to the stuff conference room and staying put till the session is over.  Coz like David, I have now realised that maybe if I am always where I am supposed to be, some of these temptations that are uncommon to church people , would not befall me. 

Grit is avoiding beautiful coincidences.  Grit is keeping our conversations professional lest I  find myself in this situation.  I know I have to keep working with you, and because His Grace is sufficient He has already revealed that us exploring this thing between us is not his will. So I have to do my part and develop grit to keep this from happening.  And since we will never have this conversation, just no the struggle is real and mutual….


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